Friday Sermon by: Alban Fejza, Online Congregation Director

Summary:

In this Friday sermon, Alban Fejza explains practical ways to honor our parents in modern times, including in their absence, such as using our real names, driving carefully and forgiving them.

Video Transcript:

Praise be to God! There is no other god except God. As a lot of you know, I have preached Friday Sermons for almost 14 years now, most of them in real life, and during this last year online, and in total that is about 700 Friday Sermons. And do you know in how many of them I talked about the topic of honoring parents? Only once. Obviously, the topic of honoring parents is much more important than that. I did not talk about it more until now, for two main reasons. 1). I wasn’t sure I was qualified to do it, because I am not the best example in this issue. I think that there are many people in the world who are better than me when it comes to honoring parents. But, at the same time, I guess I am suitable to talk about this for another reason. The reason is that almost all the people of the future will have fathers like my father. I am convinced by now that my father will miss heaven by just a little bit. He will go to Hell, by just a little bit, in the mildest hell possible, if there is a such a thing, and this is how almost all the fathers in the end times will be. They will even be similar in character. Present but absent. Nice but without a goal. Nice with strangers at the expense of the family. An extremely suitable citizen for any regime. Cynical towards hope. Informed but lazy. I guess, I don’t have much to complain about, but at the same time, I never aspired to be like him, or someone like him. The people of the future will know exactly what I am talking about when they hear this description. And this is why my challenges in honoring parents and what I learned through it will be useful for future generations. Now, the second reason, I did not talk much about honoring parents before today is because I planned to do a video clarification about this, because it is a very important topic, and I wanted to give a more comprehensive understanding about this issue, but since I might do that after many years, let me just give you a pre-taste of it now. So, let me dive into the topic. Honoring parents. In my mind, I divide the word “honoring” into three subcomponents. 1. Being nice 2. Respecting 3. Listening or obeying And it is important to subdivide it like this, since depending on the situation either one of them might apply or not apply, or it might apply less or more. So keep in mind that we are talking about three things: Being nice, respecting, and listening or obeying. But why should we honor our parents? We should honor them, because doing that is the best way to survive a long life in this world. The Quran teaches us how to go to Heaven, but our parents teach us how to survive a long life in this world, and actually this is the only secret to a long life in this world. The doctors are still trying to find the secret to a long life, but it is already discovered by every parent for their children. And what will the parent tell you? Eat nice hot healthy meals. Don’t be extravagant in saving or in spending. Spend time with your family. Enjoy some fresh air. Never take unnecessary risks. Don’t jump from the couch, because you might break your leg. Be careful in traffic. And these are all scientifically connected to a long life. Of course God has decided our life span, but he has also already decided how much we will honor our parents. But understanding that honoring your parent leads to a long life in this world is deep wisdom, rarely understood by people. Solomon, the wisest human being ever, after Jesus, he was reveled this wisdom in the Proverbs about how honoring your parents leads to a long life. So, this is a fact, everything else being equal. And if we want to know when we are allowed not to honor our parents. It’s only in cases when we would prefer a shorter purer life, compared to a long life. And there are cases when a shorter life might be preferred, but be careful what you wish for. You might regret it, or part of it. Or you might not, in which case perhaps you made the right decision. So, now let me address the apparent confusion in the Quran which tells us to honor our parents without exception, but at the same time tells us not to obey the disbelievers in general. But, it does not seem to very clearly address the issue for cases when the parents are disbelievers. Which verse should take priority? Is it the one which tells us to honor our parents? Or the one which tells us not to obey the disbelievers? And do you know why this is not directly addressed in the Quran? It is because it ultimately does not matter. Let me show you how: Let’s say that your parent is a disbeliever and you honor him. In that case, you are helping and cooperating with a disbeliever, which according to verses 5:2, 25:52 and 9:23 is bad thing. But, because you honored your parent, your life will be extended by an exact equal amount to give you an exact opportunity to do a good thing which is equal in size. So, in the end the fact that you honored your disbelieving parent led to nothing bad or good. Just nothing. Now, let’s say that you decide to do the opposite, not to honor your disbelieving parent. Here is what will happen. It will be counted as a good thing now, because you opposed a disbeliever, and you obeyed verse 5:2, 25:25, and 9:23, but your life will be shortened by such an amount that you will not be able to do a good thing which you had intended. So, again you get one good deed, and one reduction of an otherwise possibly good deed. And this again totals to nothing. So, the conclusion is that if your parent is a disbeliever, it ultimately does not matter if you obey them or not. So, whether you obey them, or disobey them, or any of the choices in between, they all lead to the exact same result, if your parent is a disbeliever. The only difference will be whether you want to live a long less dignified life, or a shorter but more dignified life. So, having this in mind, and considering how I divided earlier the honoring of parents into three different subcomponents, let me present a table with conclusions to you. Here it is: So, your parent can either be a believer or a disbeliever. But it also matters if your parent is wealthier than you, or less wealthy than you, because then Obligatory Charity comes into function through our niceness, which is one of the subcomponents of honoring parents. So, here in this table we have all the four possible cases. So, if your parent is a believer and wealthier than you, you owe them niceness, respect, and lots of listening. Now, the second case. If your parent is a believer but less wealthy than you, then you owe them lots of niceness, respect, and listening.

So, if your parent is a rich believer, you lean towards listening and obeying, and if your parent is a poor believer, you lean more towards niceness and charity towards him or her. Now, the third case. If your parent is a disbeliever who is wealthier than you, whether you are nice or not nice, respect or no respect, listen or do not listen, either way is the same. And anything in between is the same. And any variation of these is the same. Now, if your parent is a disbeliever who is less wealthy than you, you owe him niceness and charity, but whether you respect him or do not respect him, and whether you listen or do not listen to him, either way is the same. So, your approach towards a wealthier disbelieving parent or a poorer disbelieving parent differs only in kindness and charity. Now, let me address, the fifth case, the case when your parent is an idol worshiper. This can only happen in religious matters, because there is no idol worship outside of religious matters. Only in religious matters your parents can be idol worshipers, then, in that case according to verse 8 in chapter 29, it becomes obligatory not to listen to them. We don’t compromise our religion under any circumstances. We make compromises in other things, but not in our religion.

So, if your parent is an idol worshiper and a disbeliever, then whenever it has anything to do with religion, you never obey them, and whenever it has something to do outside of religion, you may choose to obey them or not, because it is ultimately the same. Now, for a lot of us, honoring our parent might not be possible because they might be absent. But let me tell you how to honor your parent even in their absence. And this might not look like it has anything to do with honoring parents, but it does. For example, if you use your real name, instead of a fake name, you are honoring your parent, as it is indicated in verse 33:5. If you drive carefully, you are honoring your parent. Every parent wants their children to be safe. If you forgive your sister or your brother, you are honoring your parent. Every parent wants to see peace between their children. If you get married with a good person, you are honoring your parent. Every parent wants their children not to have marital problems. If you comb your hair, you are honoring your parent. They probably lost their hair. They appreciate it through you. If you sleep well, you are honoring your parent. If you choose life, over suicide, you are honoring your parent. If you eat a nice healthy meal, you are honoring your parent, in their absence. So, now we know for the most part the general principles of honoring our parent.

But here is where it gets weird. In our modern times, very often, parents want to honor us. This happens because of the shift between the percentage of children compared to adults. In the past, there were more children than adults, and as a result adults had more value. It’s basic economics. If there is less of something, it’s value increases in the society. So, unlike, in the past, when there were more children than adults, today there are less children than adults. Actually, only 1/7th of the world’s population consists of children, and so now they have extreme leverage over adults, and many adults will turn them into masters, and actually the adults will want to honor the children. And this is where a lot of submitters fail to make the right decisions. They decide not to honor their disbelieving parent, but they will still accept the honor when it is received from their parents. Kind of like Prince Harry from UK. He doesn’t like to be part of the royal family, which is his right, but he still wants to be called a Prince. Well, you can not have it both ways. You can not be against your father, while driving his car. Buy your own cheap car. If you can’t, tough luck. Walk. There is nothing wrong with walking. So, feel free not to honor your disbelieving parent, but you have to not accept the honor from them for that equal amount.

And this idea of accepting the honor is mentioned in the Arabic Quran as protection. The Arabic Quran, in verse 9:23 says that you should not accept the protection of your fathers or brothers, if they prefer disbelieving over believing. And actually, all these rules, will not seem so complicated, if you just realize that they emerge from a more fundamental principle, which is what really matters. The principle is: Who do you love more, deep in your heart? Do you love the believers more, or do you love the disbelievers more? Verse 58:22, in the Arabic Quran says that you will not find people who believe in God and the Last Day who love those who actively oppose God and His messenger, even if they were their parents, or their children, or their siblings, or their tribe. This is absolutely true, but you have to be careful with this, because your evaluation of your parent might not be correct. But, if your evaluation of your parent is correct, and they are truly disbelievers, you should never love them more than you love the believers. Because love leads to loyalty, and loyalty leads to the correct decisions. And finally let me remind you perhaps about the most repeated verses about parents in the Quran, which tell us not to follow our parents blindly. Ultimately, it is your decision what you do, and you will be responsible for your deeds, and you will not be able to blame your parents.

Salvation does not come through our parents, and neither do our parents have the power to stop our salvation. Now, let me also address the issue from the perspective of parents, if you yourself are a believing parent. Let me lower your expectations a little bit about your children. Here is the situation, just like your child owes you respect and obedience, you also owe them education. And all the parents these days, including the believers, outsource most of that education to the government. The children are taught by the government in schools, instead of by their own parents. So, you agreed, forcefully or not, that the government will education your children, and when the time comes for the children to honor you, it is fair for them to say, “You know what, I am going to let the government honor you. I’ll pay the taxes. They will take care of you.” Of course, it is not completely like that, because even though you sent your children to school to be taught by the government, about half of their education came from you anyway, so it is fair to expect half respect from your children. And whether this is half respect, or 70% respect, or 30% respect, that depends on how much the government interfered between the parent and the child, and there is a way to measure it indirectly. It’s called “Tax to GDP Ratio”, which explains how much of everything in a country was done through the government. In Germany, it is 40%, which means that if your child respected you 60%, he is actually being perfect towards you. And also if you respect your parent about 60% of the time, you are excused for the rest of it. It’s impossible for you to do more. The Government, the German government in this case, has taken it from you. The Tax to GDP Ratio in Canada and UK is about 33%, which means that if your child respects you 66%, your child is being perfect towards you. In the United States, the Tax to GDP Ratio is about 25%, which means that if your child respects you 75%, he is being perfect towards you. Towards the end of the world, the Tax to GDP ratio will reach 100%, even though they might be able to hide it through Public-Private Partnerships, or by rebranding some of the taxes, and calling them insurances or subscriptions, and not calling them for what they truly are, but in practice, it will be 100%, which means that your child, even if he wants to, he will respect you 0%. So, as the governments increase, and they will, they take the role of the parent, and this reduces the relationship between the parent the child, and the parents are limited to how much they can educate their children, and the children are limited to how much they can respect their parents, and by the way, we are not against this. We don’t support it, but we are also not against it. It’s modern life. Not better, not worse. Just less of a good thing, and less of a bad thing. So, let’s value whatever 60% of love and respect which has remained among us, because the time will come before the end of the world when almost none of it will remain.